One online dictionary defines linger as follows:” to remain or stay in a place longer than is usual or expected.”  Another defines the word as being “tardy in action, delaying or dawdling.”  If there is still any question remaining in your mind whether or not the word “linger” has a negative connotation, take a look at the final definition I came across:  ”to remain alive; to continue or persist, although gradually dying.”   I’m thinkin’ that’s sounding a bit negative, wouldn’t you?

I have to be honest here.  In reading those definitions (apart from maybe the latter), there have definitely been times in my life that I would say God has “lingered.”  Sure, there are glimpses of God in these moments.  It’s not necessarily that I am doubting jf He is present, but rather, why is He present here and not moving me over there.

I’m telling you, the Israelites can totally relate to our struggles with a lingering God.  However, what cannot be overlooked is that there is always reason God is not moving to immediate action now.  What may feel like “tardiness” from our perspective, is simply divine intervention from His.

As God protects us, guides us, and leads us, we can never forget He is the only one that has the full scope of  our circumstances before Him.  When we feel like we are twiddling our fingers in a never-ending holding pattern, He may actually be protecting us from the war that rages just a few miles ahead in the direction we thought we wanted to go.  I don’t know about you, but if given the option, I’d rather twiddle my fingers any day of the week if my other option is coming under direct arms fire.  But that’s easy for me to say when I know I am avoiding a war.  However, when I sit in silence, waiting for God to move, feeling like He is not moving fast enough, while I watch the seconds of my life slowly tick away…it’s a lot harder to recognize, in that moment too, God is still provident.

The Israelites know that challenge all too well.  As they were wandering through the desert in territory completely unfamiliar to them, moving in a direction that was somewhat unclear, with a destination seeming an eternity away, God’s presence was seen in a cloud over the Tabernacle.  He was ever present, in cloud by day and fire by night, but sometimes, the cloud just seemed to linger in the same place for a bit too long.

Exodus explains that God was not only present among His people, but also how He guided them.  Chapter 40 verse 36  says “Throughout all their journeys whenever the cloud was taken up from over the tabernacle, the sons of Israel would set out; but if the cloud was not taken up, then they did not set out until the day when it was taken up.”

I know when I first read that verse in Exodus I thought that was awesome.  I underlined it in bold blue ink and wrote next to it- They were never without the presence of the Lord.  Why do I ever believe the same is not true in my life?  Well, I can tell you why.  Because then I got to Moses’ description of this same event in Numbers and realized, I struggle because God tends to linger.

You see, starting in Numbers Chapter 9 verse 15, Moses goes through explaining the same explanation of God’s presence among the Israelites as He had earlier in Numbers, however, this time in a little more detail.  The general gist of the whole thing continues to be that when the cloud lifted from the tabernacle, Israel moved.  When the cloud remained, Israel remained.  Makes perfect sense.  Until I read this in verse 19:

“Even when the cloud lingered over the tabernacle for many days, the sons of Israel would keep the Lord’s charge and not set out.”  Hmmm… To answer that question I posed to myself earlier in Exodus as to why I ever doubt if God is still leading despite the fact I am aware of His presence.  Well, the answer to my struggle is that I tend to question his timing, especially when I feel we have exceeded the expected time frame.  When God lingers in areas I feel He should move, I start to wonder why.  If I am an Israelite sitting around my little camp fire, all my belongings before me, living in a tent, yet knowing the promised land lies somewhere ahead, I can’t help but ask; “For Heaven’s sakes, Lord, why are we not moving?”

I have asked God the same thing.  ”Why are we stopping here?    Why aren’t we up there?  Why are we not moving more quickly?  Why are we setting up camp in the stinkin’ desert!  I know you have something better for me ahead and we both know I certainly don’t want to stay here!”  Tell me you have not asked the same questions, or am I seriously the only one?

Okay, now not to rub salt in an open wound or anything, but in interest of full disclosure, verse 22 of the same chapter reminds us of what God calls us to do, regardless of what we think; “Whether it was two days or a month of a year that the cloud lingered over the tabernacle, staying above it, the sons of Israel remained camp and did not set out; but when it was lifted, they did set out.”

There’s our word again.  Lingered.  However, the moral of the story is very important.  I think that is the reason that as Moses wrote the book of Numbers, he virtually beat this point to death by taking eight verses to say what could have been said in one- no matter how long God lingered, they stayed.

We cannot overlook the testimony before us in this passage.  Right here on the pages of a book most of us tend to shy away from- the book of Numbers- the Israelites displayed what it truly looks like to wait on God.  You wait.  Whether it made sense to them to sit in the middle of the desert for months at a time or not- still, they waited.  When God lingered they recognized it now became a matter of obedience to the Lord and trusting that His plans for their lives were good.  I can tell you one thing, the Lord’s plan for His chosen people was not to watch them suffer in the desert, but in actuality He was waiting for the perfect time.  Remember- God is provident, not just in a moment, but all moments.

When we find God “lingering” in our lives- let us remember the response of the Israelites as they endured in the desert.  They “kept the Lord’s charge” and they waited for Him to move first.  My prayer is then, and only then, shall I move, too.

As my music blared through my car speakers, I find myself legs-a-tappin’, head-a-noddin’, and heart-a-singin’ as though the rest of the world can’t see me.  Why is it than when I get in my car, surrounded on all sides by clear glass I have this odd perception that I am suddenly all alone on this planet?  Regardless, I have simply come to the conclusion that I don’t really care what people think when they see me rockin’ out to my tunes.

At the time, I really wasn’t thinking about the words I was singing.  Well, I take that back.   I sort of was.  I loved the message; I loved the hope; I loved the encouragement, especially knowing all the while the message I was singing was foundational truth.  However, the reality of the application of those words in my life was something I hadn’t considered until I opened up my bible this morning to spend time with the Lord.  And then it hit me…

“When you say Go, I’ll Go…”

Great on the surface.  In fact, extremely obvious in it’s simplicity.  When God says “Go”- you do it.  Pretty clear cut I’d say.  However, I have a tendency to make a very simple command into an overwhelming task.  If I receive a revelation from the Lord regarding the next step, I start thinking, reasoning, weighing the tasks and roadblocks that could potentially lie ahead of me.  Soon, I end up creating an image of an impossible feat that, in my mind, can never be accomplished.  When in reality, all God asked me to do was simply …”Go”.

As I was reading in Luke Chapter 17 today, I was confronted by the simplicity of obedience through the response of a group leprous men.  Luke 17:12 tells us that as Jesus was entering a village, ten men were standing off at a distance.

Before I go any further I just want to point out the implications of leprosy.  These men had no semblance of a normal life.  If they had families, most likely they were unable to live amongst them for fear of spreading their disease to their wives and children.  They were cut off from society, probably without a job, and undoubtedly desperate for healing.

The word “desperate” as defined by several dictionaries states as follows:

des·per·ate/ˈdespərit/

Hmm… I want you to keep that in mind as we go further.  These men were virtually in a hopeless situation.  Having tried everything, they had most likely, and quite painfully resolved themselves to the reality that they were never going to be healed.   This was going to be their life and probably the cause of their death.  They were desperate.

Back to Luke now.  Verse thirteen and fourteen go on to say, “and they raised their voices saying, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us. When He saw them, He said to them, “Go and show yourselves to the priests…”  Yep, that’s it.  Nothing else.  Jesus’ response to them was simply- “Go.”

I don’t know about you, but if I were desperate, I’d be asking some serious questions at this point.  After all, we are talking about my future here!  I’d be wondering, “Well, Lord, what the heck is that going to do?”  Simply going before the priests.  First of all, if I had had leprosy for any amount of time, you’d better be sure I would have already tried that.   And if that were the case, that fact would only lead to more questions.

I can almost hear myself now, “Wait…but Lord, another question… this part makes no sense either.  Why can’t you just touch me?  Or just heal me now.  Or just say the words.  I know you can do that.  I have heard that you have already done that for so many people.  Good gosh, I could go on for days with all my questions.  I can tell you right now,  I could have come up with ten reasons on the fly regarding why my way toward healing made a lot more sense than Jesus’.

Now, before you say anything regarding my previous comment, it’s true.  How many times do I question Jeremiah 29:11.  ”For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  How many times in our lives, in the midst of our struggles, our “leprosy” if you will, do I wonder how on earth this thing is going to turn out for good.  Yeah, in those moments I am telling Jesus “There’s gotta be a better way…”

But, as we turn back to the pages of Luke, that wasn’t the desperate lepers response at all.  After Jesus commanded them to show themselves to the priest, the verse simply goes to the statement, “And as they were going…”  Basically, they left.  Jesus said Go so they did.   No questions asked.  No other alternate ways of healing suggested.  They simply went.  And do you know what the rest of the verse says,  ”As they were going, THEY WERE HEALED.”

Scriputre doesn’t say that “As they were going they were talking about how ridiculous this “plan” of Jesus’ was or what they were going to do when it didn’t work.  Though the lepers were asked to go to the priest, they were not even asked to figure out what to say when they got before them.  They never got that far.  They were healed on the way.  Jesus called for obedience, nothing more but certainly nothing less.  And Jesus honored their obedience.

When I think about the lepers situation, I think about how many “road blocks” I would have built up in my head that never became issues.  When Jesus calls for us to “Go” that is the extent of his request.  He doesn’t ask to to figure out what we are going to do when we start off, or prepare ourselves for when things go wrong, or even figure out what we are going to do when we get there.  Jesus simply asks for obedience.

Let us trust that when we are are called by the Lord to “Go” He already has a plan prepared for how He is going to get us where He has commanded us to go.  Let’s not fill our minds with that how’s and why’s but the faith in knowing our Mighty Lord and Savior already has it all figured out.  We don’t have to.

Say there’s a threat of a nuclear war, however, I know the US has the world’s best missile defense system; I feel a smidgen better.  Or, let’s assume I know there are a series of neighborhood break-ins going on in our area and the police have yet to capture the perpetrators; the fact that I sleep with a gun by my side makes me  feel a tad bit safer.

The reality of these situations are though, my feeling of security is totally false.  I’m sorry, but if we are headed for World War III, I don’t care how great our missile defense system is, we’re probably not going to make it out alive.  Even if by chance I did survive, would I really want to be around for the aftermath anyway?  Not so much.

Or, if my house is going to be broken into tonight by robbers that have evaded the police for weeks and have successfully committed multiple robberies, aside from the fact I have no idea how to even shoot a gun, that gun is most likely going to get my killed.  (Just look at the statistics.)   The true reality in these situations, as well as life, is my back-up plans stink.  And if I find any sense of security in whatever circumstance I have played out in my head, I should really re-think where my sense of hope is coming from, because it’s misplaced.

The men in Acts who were traveling on a ship in which Paul was being held prisoner, did a pretty good job with this concept.  With everyone accounted for, there were two hundred and seventy-six people on the ship.  At this point these men had been battling a storm, being tossed around in the Adriatic Sea, for fourteen days.  To say they were exhausted is probably a fair assumption, wouldn’t you say?

Around this time, the sailors (being the experienced experts that they were) surmised that they were probably approaching land.  (This is why I am not a sailor.  I wouldn’t know I was anywhere near the shore until it was already under me.)  Anyway, by some amount of knowledge and understand of the seas, they realized there were getting pretty close to land, in fact, a little too close for comfort.

Now this part of the story makes sense for me.  If you think you are going to crash into land, you should probably get off the ship.  I think of it kind of like sledding as a child.  If you see a tree rapidly approaching, you should probably bail.  Sounds like a great idea to me.  Until Paul comes along and says to the men in Acts 287:31, “Unless these men remain in the ship, you yourselves cannot be saved.”

Gotta be honest, this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.  However, their next course of action causes me to really question the sailors sanity.  After all, the have been battling a storm for 14 days without food, they’ve got to be exhausted, so who knows where their minds were.

However, following Paul’s instructions verse 32 says, “Then the soldiers cut away the ropes of the ship’s boat and let it fall away.”  Are you kidding me?  They let it fall away?  There went their life boat, floating away into the blackness of the night never to be seen again.  So much for a back-up plan.

You see, I get that they were trying to make the ship lighter should it ever hit ground.  I also get that, in the event they should run ashore, at that point they probably wouldn’t have much time to get the lifeboat on the water anyway.  Still, you never know.  You know the boy scout motto, “Always be prepared.”  Well, keeping the lifeboat available just seems like a better idea at the moment.  You can always cut the ropes later, but once they’re cut, there’s no going back.

Okay, wow.  Well, that was a tough decision, but at least now we are lighter and ready to battle the storm.  So, the next step?  I’m sure there is some amazing sailing technique that is taught in classes for the very moment; the moment you are ready to crash headlong into the shore.  What is it… Rest.

What?  Yep.  That’s what I said, the “magic cure” for an about to be shipwrecked crew is rest and nourishment.  Granted, it takes Paul to draw their attention to this fact but still…  So, Paul comes waltzing across the deck of a tattered, beaten down ship amongst an equally tattered and beaten down crew and says to them, “Today is the fourteenth day that you have been constantly watching and going without eating, having taken nothing.  Therefore I encourage you to take some food, for this is for your preservation, for not a hair from the head of any of you will perish.”

I have to admit, I can relate to the crew.  My my life is a raging storm, more often than not I have been constantly watching, fighting, paddling, doing everything I can to fight my way through the madness.  Unfortunately, many times I am so focused on the storm I forget to do what is most important.  In the sailors case it was eating, in my case it is trusting.  I forget to trust in the one who is truly in control, my Jesus.  Sometimes I forget he is still in control at all.

Also, do you notice what Paul tells them?  They needed to take in food and sustenance “for this is for your preservation.” That’s the part I forget.  Trusting God, being patient to let him work in the timing and the way he’s sees fit is certainly not to make me sufferer, it is solely for my preservation.  I very rarely am able to call that truth to my mind as I am struggling for my life.  God calls me to rest simply for my preservation.  Period.

But the story is not done.  Next, Paul takes the bread and gives thanks to the Lord in front of all the sailors.  Then they began to eat.  Verse 36 says, “All of them were encouraged and they themselves also took food.”  Take notice what they were not doing.  They were not coming up with alternative plans, they were not focusing on the raging storm (that mind you had not slowed down just because they started eating) rather, they just sat down and ate together.  The funny thing is, the men not only received much needed nourishment, but guess what they stumbled across in the process of being still?  Encouragement.  After fourteen days without eating and spending all their energy fighting for their lives, they found hope.

As much as I think my efforts in finding a way out of my own storms of life are beneficial, most of the time the reality of it is: they’re just not.  The reason my efforts are often rendered ineffective at these times is because my focus is all wrong.  My focus is all about what I can do and not who God is.

I know for me, it’s easier to feel that I am safer because I have a back-up plan.  The bottom line comes down to this:  The reason I feel I need a back-up plan is that somewhere deep in side, I have a fear that God just might not come through this one time.  Ouch.  Honesty hurts.  But it’s true.  Deep down inside when the storms rage all around me, fear can be my greatest stumbling block.   Why else would I feel that I need to fix my situation if I truly, wholeheartedly believe my God will also be my Savior in any and every situation I am called to face?

Now, let me just say, I am not saying this is easy and I am not saying I still don’t struggle with this a majority of the time.  Even as I sit here and type this I struggle to keep fear at bay.  But when I truly search the deepest parts of my soul, I believe in my God.  I believe in the power of his saving grace.  And I trust in his plans.  I also know that what I am called to do is to look to my Lord, and he will show me the way.  The rest is up to him.    Deep down though, I am willing to choose to completely put my trust in him, in this very moment.  And though that is a decision I am probably going to have to make at least twelve more times today, I really do trust my God.

This whole story in Acts 27 ends with a crazy big exclamation point in my mind.  Verse 38 re-emphasises the whole idea of being willing to throw out all my back-up plans and buy “all in” to the Lords.  ”When they had eaten enough, they began to lighten the ship by throwing out the wheat into the sea.”  The sailors truly committed to going “all in.”

The lifeboat, gone.  Extra food “just in case,” gone.  Whether they knew it or not, it was basically them and the Lord.  You could justify it made sense to try and keep the wheat.  Maybe they would somehow be able to use it if they survived.  After all, it was made clear in this story that they had no idea where they really were so how did they know there would be food even should they survive.

But that’s not the point here.  No matter where I am in my life I can always justify my back-up plan.  There will always be some reason that it just “makes sense ” to do whatever I have decided might just save me from the storm.  The problem is, most of the time that’s never true.  When my hope is resting in my back-up plan, at some point I am going to look and find my hope dissolving faster than a slug under a mountain of salt.  It’s not gonna last and it’s never gonna endure.

God didn’t save the Israelites from the Egyptians only to watch them die in the desert.  God had a plan for them all along.  God provided water for the Israelites at the exact moment they ran out.  Granted, He waited until they ran out.  The Lord also provided food from heaven to sustain them.  Granted, it was at the very time they were quite hungry.

The thing I am learning about God is that you’re never going to have what you need ahead of time.  God doesn’t prepare you today for your future fears of tomorrow.  But you can be sure, when your time of need comes, He will never let you down.  And… He’s already got an awesome plan to take care of it.  And be sure, it is a lot better than anything you could ever come up with; certainly a lot better than our missile defense system.

So today I pray, “God, grant me the grace that I need for today.  Let me be content with knowing you will provide for me in this day and help me find peace in knowing you have already taken care of tomorrow.  And though I have no idea what that looks like, Father, you are ever so trustworthy.  So, I’m done with my back-up plans and letting you know…

I’m all in.”

Boy, can I ever relate to that.  Let’s review the scenario and see if any of this rings true.  I’m over here, enjoying my nice little life,  tootling along in my nice little boat, enjoying the nice little scenery.  Can’t you see me waving?  It’s a beautiful day for a sail.   The suns rays glean brightly off the calm waters.  The steady winds are strong enough to keep our little ship moving, but gentle enough to be a relaxing ride.  Life is good.  But before very long…

And yes, that is the exact quote of Paul’s from the above verse in Acts.  ”But before very long…”  Awesome.  I always hate when I get to that part of my story.   “But…” For Paul, this was something he saw coming and he had actually warned the crew of the impending storm.  But most of the time in my life, I don’t realize the great storm that lies just ahead.  The waters are calm, why should I worry?  The sun is out, there is nothing to fear.  Right.  True.  Exactly.   And that is exactly how Scripture calls us to live.  We are not called to live in fear.

Isaiah 46: 3+4 says this, “Listen…You whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth.  Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”    We don’t have to live in fear and hesitation about our future.  Our future is in God’s hands and he promises us that He will remain with us through ever moment, for all of time.  It is a good thing for us to live in hope and expectation, and not in fear of what tomorrow might bring.  God’s got the future part fully under control.

However, since this is how we are called to live, there will be a point in our lives in which something will inevitably come up and knock us off our figurative rocker.  One minute,peaceful porch, white cushy rocking chair and the next, WHAM!  We find ourselves on our tuckus unsure of what put us there in the first place.   We never saw it coming.

When I read this opening verse today, what caught my eye was the fact that they gave way to the storm.  I appreciated that the verse said the ship was caught in a storm and could not face the winds.  They simply were not strong enough. However, the fact that they simply gave way to it sort of caught me off guard.  I will confess I found myself thinking, “Really?  Dude, do something.  Are you seriously just going to stand there and be driven in whatever direction the storm decides to take you in?”

Actually, absolutely that was what they were going to do.  And rightfully so.  I mean honestly, what else were they supposed to do?  In all honest, here were about their only options:

a)  Tell the Nor’Easter to knock it off and go away  (Well, clearly that one’s out unless your Jesus.)

b)  Try to sail in a direction the winds won’t allow (Let me know how that one works out for you.)

c)  Heck with the category four hurricane winds.   Your paddling your way out of this baby!  (Again, let me know how that works out for you.  And when that fails, and you find yourself exhausted because you were fighting winds a thousand times bigger and stronger than you, with your measly little paddle yet to boot… don’t come to me for sympathy.

d) Or… you throw down your anchor and ride out the storm.

When you think about it that way, the decision seems rather obvious now, doesn’t it?  However, put those options in context of your boating situation I have mentioned above and coming to the same conclusion is suddenly not that simple.  Unless you do some serious soul searching and remember that verse similar to the one from Isaiah pretty rapidly, I am quickly seeing paddles in our near futures.  Am I correct?

Well, it was paddle week for me.  And to sum up about how well that worked for me here’s one word:  Fail.  Epic fail.  (Okay, maybe two.  ”Epic fail” is far more accurate in this context.)   Epic…

Now, since I can’t tell the storms of my life to just “knock if off”, and I can’t really walk away from my life that is, well, my life; the only thing I am left with is what we had previously concluded was our best option in the first place-  option d.  I simply must throw down my anchor and ride out the storm.

Acts 27:17b continues the story and says that the ships crew finally came to the same conclusion that I did, “They let down the sea anchor and in this way let themselves be driven along.”

There is a key phrase here though, and I don’t want you to miss it.  Paul said “In this way,” after throwing down their anchor, then they were prepared to ride out the storm.  God is not calling us to say, “Oh shoot.  Look an unexpected storm.  Let me sit here and hope I don’t die.”  Nope.  Not at all.  In fact, bad idea.  We are called to first throw down our anchors, then ride out the storm.

Hebrews 6:19-20b says “This is the hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us.”  Jesus is our anchor.  In Him we have hope, sure and steadfast.  A steadfast Jesus is the only Jesus there is.  He knows no other quality.  Jesus is unwavering and determined in purpose.  He is our hope.  He is our anchor.

The Lord says to us, “Be still and know that I am God,  My bible (NASB) says “Cease Striving and know that I am God.”  Basically, stop paddling.  Cast our your anchor and find hope in knowing that the Lord, the creator of the Heavens and the Earth, the One who has the power to raise the dead and to calm the raging winds, it is HE who says to you, BE STILL.

Gotta be honest, sometimes don’t like it.  And sometimes I don’t like it at all.  Sometimes I am scared to be still.  What if I miss something?  What if I neglect to do something in this clearly, potentially life altering circumstance, and miss the way in which God wants me to act.  I can tell you, I have yet to come across anyone that has thrown down their “anchor” and then was “still,” to only find that they missed their calling.  If at some point there is action God wants you to take, don’t you think He will make it abundantly clear to you exactly what that looks like?  And if your looking solely to Him, do you really think He would possibly ever let you miss what it is He wants?

I know myself and my personality.  I know my human nature.  My human natures tells me that if I don’t actually do something, even if it seems futile, I will certainly be overtaken.  It’s better to do something than to do nothing.  That is just not true.  Why?  Because I know Jesus.  Jesus is the one steering this ship and my Jesus is steadfast.

All of this is clearly summed up in one verse in the Bible that God spoke to his people.  The Israelites found themselves in their own storm, blindside and completely unprepared.  Following God’s miraculous intervention in their escape from slavery in Egypt, Pharaoh realized he has just lost hundreds of thousands of slaves, so he begins to pursue them.

Needless to say, the Israelites freak out.  (Understandably when I consider my own response when I find myself in similar situations.)  Basically, the Israelites were getting out their figurative paddles.  But then God says to them:

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.”

Hm, that’s it, huh?  You know, there is something so freeing about that statement.  As hard and as much as a choice the intentional act of “being still” really is, how great is it to know you don’t have to have to save yourself from the catastrophe at hand.  Furthermore, you certainly don’t have to have the answer to know how to get yourself out of it.  And in those moments I am at my weakest because I have spent every bit of energy I have with my tiny little paddle trying to row my way out of a storm equivalent to that of Hurricane Katrina, I have never been more content to hear the words “My child, it is I who fight for you; you need only be still.”

Okay Lord, I’m putting my paddle down now.

Think of a tiny infant; so cute, so full of promise and hope of a bright future.  But that little baby isn’t going to make it until next week if someone doesn’t take care of her.  When she is hungry, oh she cries alright, but cannot provide herself the nourishment her body needs to sustain life.  When she makes a complete mess, you can be sure this little “bundle of joy” is not going to be very  joyful at that moment.  However, there is nothing she can do to change the “situation” she currently finds herself in.  While her future holds much promise, she simply cannot survive without her guardian.

*Sigh… brokenness means waking up to the reality that I am that little infant; helpless and incapable of doing anything without my Heavenly Father.  My future is bright, my hope is strong, yet without Jesus, I won’t make it ’til next week.  Sure, there are times in my life I may be lead myself into thinking I am not completely dependent on the Lord, and there at least a few things I can do on my own volition.

However, I have come to realize that in these moments I am simply delusional.  Brokenness jolts me back into that reality that I am happy to avoid.   I am nothing without Jesus.  As hard as that reality is for me to face, when I dig a little deeper I am encouraged by what that reality means in my life.  So as I read through 2nd Peter today, I realized the true gift that is present in my complete and utter brokenness.

1st and 2nd Peter are books in the New Testament written to a group of Christians who had been suffering great trials and tribulations, yet they were aware that it was highly likely their future would only hold greater suffering.  How can you possibly encourage someone in that situation when they, too, are aware of that reality?  Well, let’s look at how Peter addresses those who are suffering in 2 Peter 1:1-3.

To those who through the righteousness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ have received a faith as precious as ours:  Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.  His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

What a blessed people  we are to be called by God into a “precious” faith!  Peter felt it important to point that out from the very beginning.   I know for my own heart and mind, I clearly see why; because I forget it all the time.  No matter where I am or what I am facing, I have already received a gift more “precious” than any other.  Since asking forgiveness, accepting Christ and then letting him have complete control of my life, I can never be defeated.  I have been saved through the Lord’s righteousness and will one day spend eternity with him.  And because of my faith in Jesus, I always have hope.

Peter’s not finished though.  It’s as if he is saying, “But wait!  There’s more!”  Peter mentions that by the Lord’s power, we have been given “everything we need for life and godliness.”  When you think about that phrase, that’s a pretty powerful statement.

ev·ery·thing- \ˈev-rē-ˌthiŋ\  a pronoun meaning “all that exists.”  What this passage of scripture is telling us is that, “You have nothing to fear.  You have been personally called by God and have been given “all that exists” to persevere.  Do not be afraid.”  Geeze Peter.  Well, when you put it like that…

But Peter still isn’t done.  In verse twelve to fourteen of the same chapter he goes on to say this:

So I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have.  I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body because I know that I will soon put it aside, as out Lord Jesus Christ has made clear to me.

He’s right.  I do know what Peter has stated are true, and I have moments where I am firmly established in them.  However, I also have moments where I forget.  Peter is correct in his statement when he says that he feels it important to “refresh your memory” of these things.  My memory needs a lot of “refreshing,” especially in times of brokenness. But do you know why I believe Peter understands that so clearly?  Because at one point, he was the one in need of the “refreshing.”

We all know Peter.  Peter was the one willing to risk it all, to step out of the boat and onto the water in a raging storm… his longing to be with Jesus was greater than all his fears.  Oh, on so many occasions I have longed to have the trust in Jesus in the way that Peter had on that fateful, stormy night.  When I find myself in the midst of a raging storm, running to Jesus is definitely not always my first response.  (Though it is certainly the best course of action, it is not always the easiest response to choose.)

However, let us not  forget, Peter is also “that disciple” that denied Jesus; not once, not twice, but three times. When Peter says “I think it is right to refresh your memory,” I personally believe he says this out of personal experience.  And Peter learned this lesson the hard way, through his own denial of Christ and his calling.  It pained Peter terribly to realize that he had denied Jesus on three separate occasions.  The fact he flat out told Jesus to his face he would never do such a thing made the reality hit that much harder once he realized he had done just that.  But sometimes, “the hard way” is what makes those tough lessons “stick”.  Now he is writing to Christians facing persecution that caused him to fall away for a brief time… Roughly he is saying, “I need to refresh your memory because once, I forgot too.”

Peter understands that our brokenness leaves room for God to do great and mighty things.  When we realize how completely dependent we are on our Lord, then we give our Father complete reign over every facet of our life, with nothing held back.   Then, and only then, can God completely unleash his power in our lives.  Because I stop getting in the way.

Utter brokenness ultimately leads to complete freedom in Christ…

As Christians though, it is so easy to loose sight of the hope that we have found; a hope that never fades and surpasses all things.  Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.”

Wow, that’s hard.  When I think about my life, there are few things I am sure of.  I am sure I will get paid every other week, as long as I have my job, because the money is automatically deposited into my bank account.  I am also sure it will rain at some point, however, I am not completely sure when. (Then again neither are the weather men, so I guess I am off the hook on that one.)

In this life though, there are even fewer things I am certain of.  I am certain that my cable, water and rent bill will arrive each month.  I am certain I will, at one point in my life, pass away and go to be with my Savior.

But I can tell you with ALL certainty this is definitely not what the writer of Hebrews was calling us to be “sure” and “certain” of.  Those things I listed above are things that mean nothing.  In fact, those are the very things in life that do not matter.  Scripture tells us in Matthew 6:25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life…”

Okay, so let’s regroup here.  If that list above is what immediately comes to mind as things I am sure and certain of in my life, I need a serious change in focus.  However, as walking, talking, thinking, intelligent human beings, being sure of something that we have no understanding of is completely against our nature.  That is where is becomes all about faith.

So what does faith look like in that scenario and in the context of our everyday lives?  Well, I  love the example the writer of Hebrews gives as an example of  true faith in action.   Not only that, but we see the life changing result that not only trusting God brings, but the life change that will come about when we become “certain’ of what we cannot see.

Notice the word I chose there, the life change that will come about. It is not a question of whether faith will or will not change your life, it is simply a matter of when.  Abraham knows that with all certainty because his life was certainly changed by his faith.

Hebrews 11:8 shows us exactly how. “By faith, Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”  I love this verse.  Why?  Because it gives such a clear picture of what putting our faith in an unseen God looks like.  God promised Abraham great things.  God promises all his children great things.  Granted, we have no idea what that looks like but then again, neither did Abraham.  What is awesome about this verse though was Abraham’s response.  He obeyed.   He went.  Pure and simple.  No questions asked.

I don’t know about you, but I would have had some mighty big questions for God.  Starting with, “God, why not here?  This land seems fine to me.  Why should I go tromping around into unknown, enemy territory when my family and I are just fine where we are.”  Honestly, it would have been tough to pack up my entire family (and we are not talking about five or even ten people here) but my whole clan to go to a land I know nothing about.

This is the control freak coming out in me.  I like to know where I am headed, what it’s going to look like, and knowing I am fully prepared for anything that might come my way.  Granted, I understand this is not what God had in mind when he called me to “trust” in Him, but now you see my horrible frailty coming through.  I don’t like to step out into an area that I cannot see two inches ahead of me.

Abraham didn’t respond this way.  In fact, his response was the very antithesis of my own.  Abrahams was more like “You say go Lord, and I am going.”  Okay, so now I have a question for Abraham.  How the heck did you do it?  What was going on in your mind that made you willing to step out in faith as you did?

Well, actually I already know.  Abraham knew with the very depths of his heart what it looked like to be “sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” just as verse one calls us to do.

This is only illustrated further in verse ten of the same chapter as we see Abraham’s state of mind as he willingly stepped out in faith.  ”For he was looking forward to the city with foundations whose architect and builder is God.”

Oh…now I see.  Abraham realized what I quickly forget.  Abraham had a heavenly vision, not an earthly one.  He understood it wasn’t about the land or his surroundings at all.  In fact, it was about something far greater than his comprehension.  It was about God being the builder and architect of his life.

You see, when we are willing to step out into the unknown, into an uncertain future and into plans we know nothing about, we are leaving everything to the Lord.  Abraham knew this was an opportunity to let God build everything from the ground up. It was trust God or… bust. There was nothing else to hold on to but the Lord.

I pray I adopt the same mentality. When God calls me into an unknown land; a land of fear, questions and frutrations; I pray that I step into his direction looking forward to what God is going to build in my life through this very moment.  It is going to be something entirely of his making and nothing of my own.  The result will be covered from dirt to ceiling with his fingerprints evident to all that this was of the Lord’s building.  It leaves room for God to be the great and master builder that he is.  And whatever God builds cannot ever be torn down.  That is the kind of life I want to live.

In the end, Abraham’s descendants found out the blessings the Lord wants to bestow on his people who are willing trust in him as Abraham was.  They found themselves living in a land “flowing with milk and honey.”  Abraham could have stayed in the land that he knew.  However, if he had, he would have missed the tremendous blessing God had waiting for him on the other end of the “unknown.”

There is another option here.  We don’t have to choose what Abraham chose to do and trust in the Lord’s plans.  We see this take place in Numbers as the Israelites were following Moses through the desert waiting to get to the promise land.  The Rebenites and Gadites decided they were tired of waiting.  They also decided that the land that they could see in front of them was “good enough.”  They were willing to settle and not wait for God’s promise to be fulfilled.  They were tired of not knowing where they were going and decided heck with waiting.  In Numbers 32:1 it says this, “The Reubenites and Gadites, who had very large herds and flocks, saw that the lands of Jazer and Gilead were suitable for livestock…”

Now see, there’s the problem.  The land was simply “suitable” and they could see that with their very own eyes.  They decided that the land in front of them was sufficient and they were okay with not waiting for God to fulfill his promise to them.  They lost sight of what Hebrews calls us to do: to be “sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.”  They weren’t sure any more and they certainly weren’t certain.  If they were, they would have been willing to wait on God knowing that what the Lord had promised them would surely be fulfilled.  Somewhere during their time wandering in the desert, they lost sight of that.  (Understandably, to a point.  The desert has a way of clouding our heavenly vision for sure.)

The leaders of these clans then went to Moses and presented their case.  They asked that this land in front of them be their inheritance, that they build their towns and cities here and forgo the land that would have been given to them by the Lord.

Moses was not a fan of their idea but agreed on one condition.  They could not leave the rest of the Israelites to fight the upcoming battles on the other side of the Jordan by themselves.  The men of the Reubenite and Gadite  clans would be required to cross the Jordan and help them fight their battles, but once the war had been won, they would be free to return to the land that they now set foot on.  Seems kind of stupid doesn’t it?  Yes you are going to continue to fight.  Yes, you are going to help us win the battle.  But then you can go back to the land that is going to be not as good as the land the Lord just gave you in victory.  Totally a great idea!  (Or not.)

Still, the agreement was made.  It was decided.  The Reubenites and Gadites didn’t want to wait any longer.  They forgot that they God that went before them was not only worth waiting for, but his promises were guaranteed.  They gave up their inheritance in the promise land.  These men forgot that with the Lord, it is not a matter of if, but when.   It is only the Lord’s timing that remains uncertain.

So on the day the Lord brought about a great victory and the Israelites marched into the promise land, and as Moses handed out the Lord’s inheritance to his people, the Reubenites and Gadites marched back to the other side of the Jordan.  Numbers 34: 12-15 says this, “The Lord has ordered that (the promised land) be given to the nine and a half tribes, because the families of the tribe of Reuben, the tribe of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh have received their inheritance  These two and a half tribes have received their inheritance on the east side of the Jordan…”

This verse makes me sad.  Can you imagine being those men.  What do you go back and tell your families when they come running out to greet you?  ”Oh yes, we saw the land.  And the land was everything God promised.  It was amazing.  But we decided we didn’t want to wait for the Lord and that this land was “good enough.”  We wish we would have remained steadfast in being “sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.”  Uhhh…  not a pleasant conversation to have.

Then again, isn’t that why we are called to do just as Hebrews 11:1 says.  Live like you are SURE of what God will do and the hope that we have because after all, it is guaranteed!  We are called to live in CERTAINTY knowing the path that lies ahead is held securely in the hands of our Heavenly Father.

This is really the only thing in this life we can be certain of.   In fact, it is the only thing in life worth being certain of.  What if I loose my job tomorrow?   I am no longer sure that my paycheck will show up in the bank.  In fact, then I can be certain it won’t.

So as I have worked on this perspective adjustment, today I am not going to let the winds of the desert and fears of the unknown interfere with my faith as I strive to be “sure” of what I hope for and “certain” of what I do not see.”  I am sure that the plans God has for me are good  just as Jeremiah 29:11 promises. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And I am certain the hope that I have in the Lord, though he is unseen, will never fail just as 2 Corinthians 4:18 says – So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Well, I am glad I have my certainties in line now…

Don’t get me wrong.  I think every single word in scripture is God inspired and is there for a clear and specific purpose.   2 Timothy 3:16 states;  ”All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness.”   Notice the word “all.”  Though I know there are times I definitely miss that purpose, I know and have found the resounding truth in my own experiences that Scripture will change your life and all of it is of value.

However, in the effort of full disclosure I will tell you that was not my attitude as I approached Numbers 33 today and saw the glaring headline “Stages in Israel’s Journey” was not of one of  life changing expectancy.  It was more like,  ”Great, another list.”

Okay, okay.  Don’t judge me.  You know when you get to that list of hundreds of names you think similar thoughts.  But here is the amazing truth about our God.  He shows up even when I assume he won’t.  Stinky attitude or not, he loves me just the same and decides he won’t ignore me for a stupid comment such as the one I just stated.  I can’t say I would take the same approach if I were God.

That above statement aside, I am still determined to read every single word of the Bible so skipping this section was not an option.  Again, with the patient God we serve he uses my ridiculous motivations and uses them to guide me just the same.  So, I begin my journey in reading names that mean nothing and towns and bodies of water I have never heard of.  A friend of mine jokes that I am geographically anemic and he speaks truth.  I can hardly find Russia on a map let alone Pi Hahiroth.

By verse fourteen I find myself in all my wanderings with Israel in Rephidim, wherever that is.  I do know it is in the desert though.  Numbers 14 says, “They left Alush and camped at Rephidim, where there was no water for the people to drink.”  Okay, clearly.  They are in the desert, right?  But God opened my eyes to something I never realized before.

Leave it to God to just be awesome at the most unexpected times.  He brought a verse to mind that I had read a few weeks ago.  Exodus 40:36-38 says, “In all the travels of the Israelites, whenever the cloud lifted from above the tabernacle, they would set out; but if the cloud did not lift, they did not set out-until the day it lifted.  So the cloud of the Lord was over the tabernacle by day, and fire was in the cloud by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel during all their travels.”

There’s that darn word “all” again.  Is it safe to say we serve a very consistent, faithful God?  (I think I am going to throw patient in there as well.  First hand experience speaking here.)  In every single area that Israel set foot, it was clear that God either wanted them to move, or wanted them to wait.  When he wanted them to move, he lifted his presence and they set out under his watchful eye.  When he wanted them to set up camp, his presence descended upon the tabernacle.

What is difficult to accept is this meant God told them to set up camp in an area that there was no water.  Ugh.  I don’t know about you, but if I am setting up camp with hundreds of thousands of people, the area without water would be my very last choice.  But apparently it was God’s first at this particular time.

Heck, just five short verse ago God had his people settle in Elim, where apparently there was lots of water; twelve springs and seventy palm trees to be exact.  (Apparently someone counted.)  Why didn’t Israel stay there?  Because God didn’t want to them to stay there.  So they packed up their tents, and their camels and their supplies and headed back out into the desert.  *Sigh.  I never liked the desert.

Why God?  Why do you call your people into land with no water?  Why do you call us into trials and tribulations far beyond our ability to endure?   Why?  Because as tough as it is to be led into an area when we are “lacking”, it gives God power to be God; to do the impossible, to work in miraculous ways.

When I think about the Israel’s journey,  the times God led his chosen people into “the fire,” he provided for them in miraculous ways.  Their desperate need gave their God an opportunity to also be their Savior.  Their fears and doubts gave God the platform to show His intense love for his people.  I don’t know about you, but I need those reminders with a depth that runs every bit as deep as those Israelites.

There is a song that has really taken hold of my heart in the last few days.  It is called “If You Say Go” by Jeff Berry Band.  The following line has completely changed the way I look at my suffering:

“Your ways are higher than our ways. And the plans that you have made are good and true. If you call us to the fire, You will not withdraw your hand. We’ll gaze into the flames and look to you.”

Think about that.  When I see roaring, towering flames around me, I tend to take the natural response.  I’m pretty upset.  Well, maybe it’s more like a screaming kid, frantically running in circles yelping, “I’m gonna die!!!!!!!!”  But, whatever…  But what if I change that response.  What if I see the flames with the understand that if this is where I am called right now.  If I approach the flames with the knowledge that God’s hand will be with me as sure as I know the sun will rise tomorrow morning.  Not only that, but what if my attitude is that such as the song describes.  I am not going to run, rather I am going to look straight into those flames.  And when I do, what I see is not death, it’s Jesus working in the midst of the raging fire.

How cool is that?  Oh yeah, I see smoke and I see fire.  But I also see Jesus.  I don’t know about you, but that is exactly where I want to be- with my Savior.  I always wanted to be one of those “fire walkers” anyway.  ;)

Shoot!  Really, God?  Really?  There has to be another way to find abundant joy.  There just has to be.  I don’t like the idea that joy in its purest form, an inextinguishable joy, must come from the moments in my life I am not sure I am going to survive.  For as badly as I desire that type of intense joy, I desire not to suffer almost equally as badly.  Lord, are you sure the purest form of joy can only come as a result of intense suffering?

I know the Lord’s answer.  I just don’t like his answer.  I know the answer because I have seen it’s resounding truth in my own life.  The greatest joy comes solely from the deepest of agonies.

I remember those days of intense darkness in my life, the days of the unquenchable pain.  Those days were dark.  It was a darkness so thick there were moments I was convinced I would never see the light again; any light.  I would have been content with a simple flicker of a candle; forget the flood lights, let alone the sun.  I remember those days of pain, moments I desired death.  It’s not that I ever really wanted to die, but in that moment I felt that I could not continue in a pain of this magnitude any longer.

A few months ago I had the television on and in .37 seconds I found myself  engulfed with a reminder that I could have very well lived without.   It was a reminder of the true depth of darkness in those days.  On the TV screen there was man.  He was in bed.  But this man was not happy to be in bed; for there were flames all around him, consuming him on every side.  The man was so large that he was unable to rise from the bed to escape the ever-approaching flames.

As he lay there, no more than 15 feet from the door to the outside world that would be his refuge from his torment, he screamed.  Due to his size, he was incapable of getting himself out of bed to escape the flames.  He was confronted with the reality that if someone did not come to rescue him, he would soon die.  At most, this man had less than two minutes to live.  And  he was only feet from the doorway to freedom.

Now the memories came rushing back.  For a brief moment I wasn’t sure if that was me on that screen.  Was I burning?  Have I returned to those days once again?  Am I unable to escape?

“No!” I cried in my mind, “I simply can’t go back there again!  No Lord, please, I just can’t…Not again.”  Then I heard the voices of my roommates.

“Lindsay, your okay.  Your not there.  Look, you are in your own house.  You are wearing your own cloths.  Your not burning.”

I looked at them, tears streaming down my cheeks as I was pulled back into reality, “No, I’m not burning, am I?  I don’t see smoke.  There’s no fire.  I’m not burning.”

Mandy and April looked at me as they smiled and said, “No Lindsay, your not burning.”

The relief I felt in that moment is something I am simply not capable of expressing.  Yet the pain of my past became that horrifying with a simple TV commercial.  It doesn’t take much when the pain runs that deep.

But that is not the end of the story.  As hard, as brutal, as painful as those days were; I am writing this post from my laptop.  I am sitting in an amazingly comfortable recliner, in my own apartment, with a new life.  I am not feeling pain like I did in years past.  I am living a life I never dreamed would be possible; a life full of a  joy I wasn’t aware existed prior to those terror-striken days.

When I was in high school, prior to the painful years that would follow, I would have ranked my joy on a scale from one to ten.  Even now I can say, I had an amazing life and there were a lot of high numbers.  But even my absolute best of days, the days that ranked a “ten” on that scale, cannot hold a candle to the joy I feel now.  My scale no longer goes from one to ten, but at least one to fifty.  And I’ve hit a lot of “fifties” in the last few years.

What is amazing to me though, is that those moments of joy don’t simply come from days I am on vacation, or days on the beach (though those are some amazing moments as well).  They also come in unexpected ways, on many unexpected days.

They come as I sit under a large shade tree in the middle of Green Lane park surrounded by friends.  As we sit on blankets we’ve sprawled out over the green grass, I chomp on slice of pizza from the local pizza shop down the road.  We talk about traveling; California, Hawaii, New York, Ecuador.  We talk about the latest movies as we toss a football back and forth.  We discuss the finale episode of “House.”  In this moment, I don’t think I have ever been more elated.

When I am standing in the kitchen, computer open to the latest recipe I found on the “Food and Wine” website, I have never been more delighted.  As I stand over a mixing bowl stirring the ingredients I have spread out over the counter, crumbs and mixing bowls and spoons everywhere, I am not thinking about dreading the thought of food as I did for eight years.  I am not thinking about all those days and nights spent throwing up for hours- two, three, ten times a day, being fed through a line running directly outside of my heart.  No, these thoughts are not present.  The only thought I have is the surreal nature of this moment, the concept that this is not a dream is still hard to grasp in that moment.  I never thought I would see this day.  The joy abounds.

And when I am standing in front of sixty-five kids, on my birthday, speaking about what God has done in my life, sharing with them the hope I have found in my Heavenly Father, it is then… then I truly know abundant joy.  I am fulfilling my purpose.   When I speak about how the Lord has blessed me, how he has worked through a time in my life I was convinced was the very essence of a squandered young life; it is then I feel a joy that I couldn’t fathom was possible.

Would a joy like that come apart from the moments that previously threatened to overwhelm me?  I can tell you with all the certainly in the world, no.

In the midst of that great storm, I would have told you there is no way a time like this would ever, in any case, in any way, be worth it.  Nothing could redeem a time like this in someone’s life.  Ever.  I was sure I would be scarred until the day my heart beat it’s last.

But as I sit here writing these words, that is not what you are going to hear me say.  Sure, there are scars.  There is pain from the experiences I have been through.  There are days I am tired of illness.  There are days I just want this all to be over and never have to deal with suffering again.  However, there is also joy.  Abundant, incessant, tremendous, inextinguishable joy.  Though I would never want to repeat a second of what I have endured in my young life…

It was worth every moment.  And I also know, I desire this type of joy more than I fear the pain.  If that’s what it’s going to take, then so be it.  Lord, with your help, I’m ready.  Bring the joy.

Boy, does that sound familiar!  Sometimes I really get frustrated with God.  The one thing I have learned in my semi-short 27 years of life is that God’s timing is almost never my own; hardly ever.  I love how Oswald Chambers describes this “inconsistency” of our Lord.  ”There was never a more inconsistent being on this earth than our Lord, but He was never inconsistent with His Father.”

That, right there, was the truth that Israel lost sight of.  Most of the time, we are not going on understand the Lord’s ways.  And, here’s the zinger- We need to be okay with that.

If I believed in reincarnation as some religions do, then I would pretty much bet that I was an Israelite in my former life.  As I read through the story of “The Bronze Snake” in Numbers 21;4-9, I secretly looked for a footnote mentioning my name suggesting that I had some type of role yet another instance of Israel’s fall from grace.  (Fortunately, I didn’t find one.)  But as I read though the story I was struck with my own tendency to react in the exact way that Israel did.

Israel had just walked away from an overwhelming victory brought about by the Lord.  But as soon as the dust settled in their review mirror and they could no longer see visual evidence of the power of God, they forgot he was worth trusting.  As Israel left that battle grounds of Hormah and traveled along the route to the Red Sea, the people grew impatient.  They were tired of the desert.  They were tired of the food that they hated.  (They neglected to be thankful that they had food at all considering there were hundreds of thousands of them and they were, let’s not forget,  in the middle of the desert.)  But that simply wasn’t good enough.

This is where the above verse comes in to play.  ”But the people grew impatient on the way…”  (Numbers 21: 4b)  What I find interesting is those last three words- “on the way.”  It’s not like God wasn’t leading them.  They weren’t even going in the wrong direction.  They just weren’t going fast enough for their own liking. On top of that, the scenery just wasn’t good enough for them and the food on this journey stunk.  Gosh, I am still not sure this if this is a bibliography of my life or not, but since there was no mention of “Lindsay” in this passage, maybe it’s just a reminder I needed today.

I see moments, today, even now, God is working.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he is present and working in my life.  So why am I so discontent?  For the same reason Israel was discontent.  I want God to move faster.  For me it’s not the scenery I hate, it’s not feeling well.  It’s not the food that stinks, it’s the struggle to eat the food.  But either way, it’s not that God isn’t here.  It’s just that God’s plans and timing look different than mine, so I find myself unsettled with God.

I must choose to remember I am “on the way”.  I cannot allow myself to get wrapped up in my impatience.  God’s timing is perfect.  His plans and understanding of my needs are far better than my own could ever be.  I know that.  So now I need to live like I believe that.  There is a huge difference.

Israel stopped living out what they knew to be true of their God.  They just saw the majesty of their God at work in their lives but their impatience overtook the truth in their hearts.  And they found themselves surrounded by venomous snakes and dying.  (The Lord sent venomous snakes among them as they decided they didn’t want to trust Him anymore.)

Figuratively speaking, my impatience can land me in the same boat.  As my trust in the Lord slowly fades away and my impatience take the reigns, I will find myself as Israel did- bitten, lying face down on the ground, venom surging through every cell in my body, slowly dying.  Oh, I’ll be walking around all right.  Getting in my car, going through the motions, but my heart will be dead.  My hope gone.  My fears overwhelming.

My impatience is not going to win.  At least not today.  And it won’t tomorrow either, because I am going to choose to remember my God reigns.  My God leads- in his timing, in his ways and am going to choose to trust that.

I do trust that.

If I am living as though my life might just fall apart tomorrow, my actions show that I believe God will not take care of me.  If I am sitting in my living room driven by fear, and not by faith,  developing a “plan” that will hopefully pull me out of this sad state that I find myself in; my actions say that I don’t trust God to act “in time.”  My actions suggest that I think God has forgotten the desperation that I feel.  My actions suggest that I believe God has forgotten about me.

Your actions will always follow your beliefs.  So whether I am thinking “God just isn’t big enough” or “I am terrified out of my mind,” they lead me to the same conclussion- At that moment I believe God is not strong enough to save.

Moses ran into the same issue.  The Israelites find themselves wandering in the desert- for years.  Though God is sending them manna (bread) from heaven, the Israelites decide that they are tired of living on bread alone.  They want something more substantial.  They want meat.  The problem is, Moses becomes the scapegoat.

The people begin “wailing” and complaining to Moses.  They tell him how much “better” their food was in Egypt.  They tell him how they have lost their appetites, for they have eaten the same thing day after day after day.  Poor Israel…

What is funny is that as I sit here I can see what the Israelites have lost sight of.  Yes, they had meat and fish and cucumbers and onions in Egypt.  But they didn’t have freedom. The Israelites were driven into the ground working under the oppressive hand of the Egyptians.  They prayed for 400 years for the Lord to rescue them for their suffereing was that severe.  The Israelites were not free to move about as they wished or work for their own profit; their every action was under the watchful eye of someone with a whip.  They were beaten, and some were even killed.  They were slaves.

I don’t know about you, but I would rather live off of one single item, bread that tasted as it if had a touch of honey, than have a variety of food but under great oppression every day of my life.  However, that is easy for me to see sitting on a comfortable lounge chair in my living room enjoying the cool temperature of my central air conditioned home.  I am not the one who has been wandering for over 3o years in the desert, in the heat.  I tend to do the same thing as the Israelites have done here, though.  In my moments of frustration, I forget that my situation looks a lot brighter than I think just as the Israelites forgot their situation looked a lot more promising than it ever used to look in Egypt.  After being slaves for over 400 years, having no weapons or means to win a battle, it looked as if there was no way they would ever escape to find freedom.  Now, they simply lack meal options.  Can you detect my sarcasm when I say, “Boy, they were in dire straights indeed…”

Since the Israelites couldn’t seem to put their current situation in perspective, however, Moses is left with all the blame.  It’s all Moses’ fault.  Just blame Moses.  Needless to say, Moses is miffed.  ”He asks the Lord, ‘Why have you brought this trouble on your servant?  What have I done  to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me?  Did I conceive all these people?  Did I give them birth?  Why did you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their forefathers?  They keep wailing to me, ‘ Give us meat to eat!’  I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me.  If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now.”  Uh, yes, that is not a rough interpretation.  That was a direct quote from Numbers 11:11-14.  Yes, Moses actually said those exact words to the Lord.

If I am honest though, I can’t blame him.  I can totally understand why he is angry.  I can understand why he says “I did not ask for this.  You commanded me to do this.  I didn’t want to do this to begin with.  Now, I am the one left to handle something that is far to much for me.  Seriously, just kill me now!  I can’t deal with this any more.”

Moses’ beliefs are driving his words.  Did you hear what he said.  ”I cannot carry these people by myself’; the burden is too heavy for me.” God hadn’t left Moses to handle this all by his lonesome.  And though for a brief moment I can completely understand why he felt that way, God had called Moses and God would equip Moses.  Moses just forgot that little detail-understandibly.

So the Lord speaks to Moses and says that he will provide for his people.  He will give them so much meat to eat, not just for one or two or three days, but for a whole month!  God promises that there will be so much meat the Israelites will come to “loathe” it.

Great, right?  God has answered Moses.  God has heard his cries.   Well… Moses wasn’t quite there yet.

Moses says… But Lord… “Hear I am among 600,000 men on foot, and you say, ‘I will give them meat to eat for a whole month!’  Would they have enough if flocks and herds were slaughtered for them?  Would they have enough if all the fish in the sea were caught for them?”  (Numbers 11:21+22)  In other words, “Where the heck do you think I am going to get all this meat that you are promising them???  Because you know sure as heck who is going to be blamed if it doesn’t happen!”  This is why I appreciate Moses.  As much as I hate to admit it, I feel like I would ask God the same thing.  I would be afraid to put myself out there again not knowing exactly how God’s promises are going to be fulfilled.

Thank goodness we serve a patient God who understands I am but dust.  He could have struck Moses (or me) dead right there on the spot.  I don’t know, but if I were God and had the power that he does, you have to admit it would be tempting.  But this is not our God.  This is our God: “The Lord answered Moses, ‘Is the Lord’s arm too short?’”

Hmmm, well, when you put it that way Lord… no, actually you are perfectly able to do exactly as you say.  Much like the Israelites lost perspective in their current food “crisis,”  Moses lost perspective that his God was strong enough to do exactly what he says he would do.  He forgot that this was the same God that brought the entire nation of Israel out of Egypt, a land in which they had been slaves in for over 400 years.  Moses forgot this was the same God that protected them from the powerful Egyptian army, who parted the Red Seas to protect the nation the Lord had chosen.  This is the God that had already provided food for the entire nation by “raining” bread down on his people from the sky.

No Lord, your arm is not too short.  It is never too short.  I just forget my current situation is not about my strength at all.  It is about yours…